pay attention and keep notes

michelle williams. interview magazine, may 2011

I've seen John Lennon interviews and Kurt Cobain interviews but I've never seen a Beethoven interview

What's your idea of perfect happiness?

Just being comfortable with yourself. I think that anyone who's unhappy is probably not very comfortable with themselves. That's why most people find contentment in middle age. They don't worry anymore about image or how people see them. I have phobias, really bad anxiety problems. I have to take medication whenever I'm going to be in large groups of people. I can sing in front of 50,000 people but as soon as I'm among them I freak out. I'm really claustrophobic as well. I've been caught in six lifts in my life. One time I was in there for 3 hours by myself and it was totally dark and I was just sitting in the corner pressing the alarm button. I was freaking out and sweating. And then I heard this tapping on the roof, and it was like, Thank fuck, about fucking time!

You spend a lot of time barefoot. Why?

It's more natural, it's a good feeling. If I'm just hanging out with friends and wandering around I don't wear shoes at all but if I'm going to a club I will.

What was the last book you read?

'Everything In This Book Is A Lie But It's Exactly How Things Are'. It's pretty spiritual book about links to aliens and it's really amazing, full of great theories. And I bought a book today about government conspiracies which has a chapter on why they won't legalise cannabis. It's because the cotton industry pays them not to.

What's your favourite film?

'Leaving Las Vegas' is really moving. I like the darkness, it's a really unorthodox way of presenting the film. I like dark things to have an undercurrent of sarcasm and irony, so it's great.

What was the last dream you had?

I was running through a field and all of these people were throwing knives at each other and I was trying to escape and fell into a huge pit. All the blood from the people started flowing into the pit and I was drowning. It was fucking scary. It's possibly linked to my anxiety attacks. I think everything in the subconscious part of the brain has links to things like phobias.

If you could travel back in time where would you go?

I'd go back to Egypt, really fucking early to find out if there were aliens there. I wish there'd been a hidden camera when they built the pyramids because they're just too precise to have been built by men at that time.

Why are you a vegetarian?

I'm actually a vegan, although I love the smell of chicken. When I was 16 I because a vegetarian and six months later I did the full thing and became a vegan. It's not as hard as you'd think 'cos I have simple tastes, just fruit and vegetable and cereal. I take protein tablets to keep me healthy so I very rarely get sick. I don't drink alcohol either because of a stomach ulcer, but I'm definitely not straight-edge. I mean, I'll take certain stimulants if you know what I mean, when I'm at parties but nothing too out of control. A lot of people get drugs and drug addicts mixed up. I'm not hugely into drugs, but it's good to experiment now and again.

If you could spend one hour with either John Lennon, Kurt Cobain or Beethoven who would you choose?

Beethoven. I've seen John Lennon interviews and Kurt Cobain interviews but I've never seen a Beethoven interview.

Daniel Johns

Interview with William Luff 1-6-99

writing allows you to believe your thoughts exist

"We’re all fascinated by what it would be like to be someone else. It’s a seductive idea. We think that other people have an easier time of it."

“Being famous before you know who you are as a human being makes you feel like a phony.“

"I write to clear up in my own head what I’m thinking about. Writing allows you to believe your thoughts exist."

"I’ve got a lot of baggage now. I’m a famous actor, I’ve got two kids, and I’m becoming harder and harder to date"

"Hopefully, all this stuff I’ve been going through personally will translate into making me a better man. That’s all you can hope to get from any kind of suffering. The dream is that somehow you’ll come out of it stronger."

telegraph - 'people don't know me' interview with tim geary -  april 2004

maybe i flew too high our of bounds, but they just sentenced me to death

Nowadays when I get stoned, I have death fantasies. They're very vivid, they're vivid daydreams that repeat over and over again. If they're really good, they repeat over and over and over.

Well, mutilation, other people's mutilation, how quick it is. Not a paranoia -- I just see it happening. I see murders. I am murdered in my dreams. I confront murderers in my dreams. I rarely get killed, but they're right there. And rarely am I a killer. Someone is always trying to kill me. There's the wife-beater, a huge, massive guy with black hair and a belt. He's going to take off the belt. I hated it because of the way he beat his wife. He has a beautiful wife.

No. Well, they probably have aspects of people I really know. I do know people like that. And he was going to kill me.
        I met a killer, also in a dream, who was an artist. There was a guy, a really short, shy guy, kind of balding on top, balding too young. And he was an artist; Meaning, when he killed his victims, he didn't kill them immediately. He would anaesthetize them and weave them into baskets, with their guts still working in the baskets. He'd keep them alive, and then take pictures of them.

 This was a dream.

 No, no, I saw what he did, and I could see that the eyes of the person were still alive.

And there was the time I was sentenced to death. This [artist] guy was great -- he was down on his work. There were lines of easels, and on each side of the easel there was a photo. He had his own gallery set up inside his private, little...he lived in something that looked like a little school, a schoolhouse out in the country, in the South. I was scared shitless, and shaking, and looking at these photos of these mutilated people, and trying to comfort this guy, trying to point out good parts of his work, the whole time being completely horrified. And the police came in and saved me at the last moment. The police also took me away to be sentenced to death by lethal injection -- for what I don't remember. I think I was flying, I flew to escape some bullies, and I flew out of bounds regulated by the city. So the cops took me, and the bullies, the assailants, into this chamber. We're walking down the hallway, and I keep on talking to the police, which I learned was forbidden, a misdemeanor. I said, "Wh..."

 The rule was not to speak to the guards at all. What I did I don't know. Okay, maybe I flew too high out of bounds, but they just sentenced me to death. They assigned me legal counsel, this useless blonde lady, who didn't tell me exactly what was going on. All she told me was that I had ten minutes to live. And she gave me this state's evidence, these file pictures showing what what was going to happen to me. What happens is they take you to these doctors' pavilions, and they're sitting at picnic tables in front of the pavilions. So, I saw the photos -- there were about ten or eight, something like that. First thing they do is they shave your head. The second thing they do is they lay you in this sort of dentists' harness. And you're strapped in, and then they take one needle and they stick it in your stomach, and then they take another needle, and they stick that in the base of your neck. What they're doing is inserting a little metal globule into your brain, and also giving you a serum that makes...

        Shit like that. That's where my work comes from. And other things. It's not a literal thing, and it's not anything I can explain. It's not a magic thing that I can explain. It just is what it is, and I can describe it to you. You know what I mean? That's my wellspring.

2-29-96 DoubleTake Magazine Interview, by Josh Farrar

And I thought I had crazy dreams. What a mind he had.

ballad in plain d

Of the two sisters, I loved the young.

With sensitive instincts, she was the creative one.

The constant scapegoat, she was easily undone

By the jealousy of others around her.

And so it did happen like it could have been foreseen,

The timeless explosion of fantasy’s dream.

At the peak of the night, the king and the queen

Tumbled all down into pieces.

All is gone, all is gone, admit it, take flight.

I gagged twice, doubled, tears blinding my sight.

My mind it was mangled, I ran into the night

Leaving all of love’s ashes behind me.

my favorite lyrics of ballad in plain d 

like a lost dream

Then came noon, and morning withered like a lost dream. The sweat was torture and the rest of the day was littered with the dead remains of all those things that might have happened, but couldn’t stand the heat.

The Rum Diary by Hunter S. Thompson 

reality vs....imaginary

I think i have acute delusionism. i don't know if such a thing exists. but i have it.

it's so easy for me to take a fact or an observation and think about it, then all of a sudden i have  the whole history of it made up in my head and i believe it. i forget that things exist outside of my imagination. and when the reality is made clear to me it hits me like tornado and i get confused and probably more upset than any sane person would. 

sometimes i think it's okay though, to be a little weird. lots of great people who have created many great thing were a little weird. after watching Little Ashes, (with robert pattinson as salvador dali) i knew that dali was a little crazy, but was an amazing artist. i just wish i actually put that energy to something tangible instead of just living a life where i can't tell reality from dreams.

i've been listening to Audioslave, which i think is kinda funny because they're not the type of band i normally listen to. its the cd that came out when i was in middle school. the one with "Like a Stone" and i remember being in gym class in the 7th grade and we had a TV and it played music videos and this came on everyday. but when i listen to it now, its completely different song. funny how with time, the same thing can be so different.

there's this lyrics from track 8 "i am not you're rolling wheels/i am the highway/i am not your carpet ride/ i am the sky".  i really like it.