pebbles and marbles like things on my mind, seem to get lost and harder to find

click picture to be taken to source

Just the memory of laughter and the living out of lies

saturday night, my dream of 4 years came true

sunday night, the dream was over and i got my heart crushed.

monday was the first day of the semester and i was completely numb.

tuesday, someone in my family died.

It has been an overwhelming, confusing, and painful past few days.

It's the kind of time when songs you already know by heart, mean something compeletly new to you.

One song that I was introduced to about a month ago has been on repeat... I feel so pathetic, but that's what I do... I feel emotions a little too deeply and wallow in them. But hopefully it will make me wiser when I'm through it.

I also found a picture of me and my dad about 10 years ago. I think it's my favorite one of us. My aunt took it at La Fogata in San Antonio.

longing for the past is like a tangible physical torture

Sometimes it hurts bad. The longing for the past is like a tangible physical torture. Oh, God, I wanted to remember every moment of my life. I didn’t want to forget anything. If I could remember, then the passing seconds might have some meaning or be amassing into some definition or purpose. […] The burden of all those memories creates in me a yearning for the quiet I imagine would come with a giant heroin overdose or if I shoved my skull under the wheel of a moving bus.

Ash Wednesday by Ethan Hawke

maybe i am

on being called pretentious

What are you gonna do? They're right. Maybe I am. There are worse things in the world than being pretentious. I think you should look at life like 'I want to keep learning, keep growing.' It makes things more fun, like 'That didn't work out, but I learned something.' Or 'That worked really well. I want to do more things like that.' Some people are going to think you're pretentious, but that's. . . Yeah. I always think those people are just hateful. It plays into this idea that people like actors if they're a little dumb. We're in a culture right now where people want their actors to be really sexy but not very interesting. That way they're not threatened.

papermag interview with christine muhlke

I remember one of my really close friends saying, 'Hawke. You gonna play Hamlet?' I'm like, 'Why not, man?' He said, 'People are going to kill you for it. You write a book, and now you're going to play Hamlet?' 'Look, it's got nothing to do with you, bro. It won't mean shit to you when I'm dead whether I did Hamlet or didn't do Hamlet. Your mama doesn't care if I do Hamlet. Your mama just wants you to be nice to her.' 

independent.co.uk interview  - july 2004

you discover that you are not living

“You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book… or you take a trip… and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken.”

Anaïs Nin

and sometimes when I talk, I just don’t make any sense

You’re going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it’s always their actions you should judge them by. It’s actions, not words, that matter.

Nicholas Sparks

My gosh, if you’re going away, we got a million things to talk about! All the things we would’ve talked about next month, the month after! Praying mantises, zeppelins, acrobats, sword swallowers!

Ray Bradbury (Dandelion Wine)

It’s like he is driving a car and I just want to be in the passenger seat. He’s locked the door and I have to hold onto the bumper. I am not even asking him to open the door for me, just leave it unlocked and say come in, but he didn’t do that. So I am hanging on to the bumper and life goes on and the car goes on, and I get really badly bruised and I’m hitting potholes. And it hurts. It really hurts. So yesterday I had to let go of the bumper. Because it hurts too much.

Gilmore Girls

An amusement park in winter is like when you go to the places where you went with the person you love but they’re not with you anymore. Everything rickety and cold and empty. If you had cotton candy it would burn your lips and cut your throat like spun pink glass.
Francesca Lia Block (Beautiful Boys)I know how that feels-to feel pressed down all the time, a lot of times I don’t feel like I belong here…I’m sick of the world. And sometimes when I talk, I just don’t make any sense.
Jeff Buckley

I write differently from what I speak, I speak differently from what I think, I think differently from the way I ought to think, and so it all proceeds into deepest darkness.
Franz Kafka
Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.
St. Francis de Sales
The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.
Bob Moawad