Saturday, January 29

ode to the hwy

oil on canvas

it's not done yet but im so excittted

Friday, January 28

pebbles and marbles like things on my mind, seem to get lost and harder to find

click picture to be taken to sourcefernsandmoss




opium fields

layla moon

david hiser


“50’ x 50’ Pillow” Freestone, California 1969  by Ant Farm for the Whole Earth Catalogue



these old shoes

hugh holland

these old shoes


hugh holland


neil krug

Can't You See

One of my favorite songs ever. I first heard it in 2007. I had it on a mix CD in my car on repeat for so much of my senior year in highschool that listening to it takes me right back and I remember everything going on at the time... Many songs have that effect but this one is easily in my top 5 most loved songs. The guitar, the flute, and the voice. I just love it! I don't even really know any other MTB songs except Heard It In A Love Song and Bob Away My Blues. I actually found this album on vinyl last fall and got a record player for chirstmas so I can listen to more. I guess I am a southern rock fan!

The Marshall Tucker Band got its start in Spartanburg, South Carolina, when Doug Gray teamed up with Tommy Caldwell and Toy Caldwell, Paul T. Riddle, George McCorkle and Jerry Eubanks, borrowing the name "Marshall Tucker" from a piano tuner who's name was found on a key ring in their old rehearsal space. In 1972, they signed with Capricorn Records, the same label that guided The Allman Brothers Band, Wet Willie, and others to national fame. The MTB opened shows for The Allman Brothers in 1973, and the following year, they began to headline their own shows across America due to the platinum-plus sales of their debut album.

"The buying public never really cared whether we were country or rock and roll. They called us a Southern rock band, but we have always played everything from country to blues and all things in-between. We're still playing all of the classic songs, but we are moving ahead into other styles as well. We're also playing for a younger audience than we have in the past, perhaps to the kids of the fans we played in front of in the 70's and 80's." - Doug Gray

Wednesday, January 26

There are certain things that replay themselves in my subconscious without my asking them to be there

I admire and adore Michelle Williams. I love reading her interviews and she always makes literary references to poets and writers that I love. I have alot of respect for her and how she has had to deal with loss in such a publicized way, and  does respectable work and often off-beat roles. Last month I saw an interview she did with Nightline, she was describing how she felt when she was filming a scene for Brokeback Mountain and said, ‎"water, water. I want to be like water, strong enough to hold up a ship but able to slip through your fingers". I just love that line...
She goes on to talk about Heath .... and in this interview with Kevin Sessumus she talks about how "re-contextualized" they made that interview and it makes her want to close up even more.

"This has been in my mind so much recently. There it is. This is a poem that ... well... helped me heal. And I couldn’t remember where I had found it or who wrote it or what the name of it was even. I only remembered its effect on me. I just could remember its first four lines:

As a torn paper might seal up its side,
Or a streak of water stitch itself to silk,
And disappear, my wound has been my healing,
And I am made more beautiful by losses.
(Howard Moss, The Pruned Tree)
I have been looking for this poem for so long.

I don’t believe that life is linear. I think of it as circles—concentric circles that connect. This just proves it to me. There are certain things that replay themselves in my subconscious without my asking them to be there and those lines from that poem are an example. Especially “my wound has been my healing and I have been made more beautiful by losses.” Thank you so much for these books. I needed some new ones. I’ve been living too much in the world of Mary Oliver and Frank O’Hara. Not that there is anything wrong with their worlds, but I needed a couple of new ones. I love those lines from Mark Strand: Ink runs from the corners of my mouth. There is no happiness like mine. I have been eating poetry."

"How do I talk about this? I experienced a lot of loss after his death. I lost my city because of all the paparazzi descending upon us. I actually lost my journal during that time, oddly enough. I literally couldn’t hold on to anything. It felt as if things were literally slipping through my fingers. Things were just streaming away from me. I lost my sense of humor. I’m still sort of looking for that."

Nightline interview, December 2010:

choose understanding over comfort

“When troubled, we have our choice of either surface comfort or psychic understanding. If the choice is for comfort, such as associating with those who sympathize, we cannot have understanding. The demand for comfort blocks psychic insight. But if the choice is for understanding, which forces you to stand all alone without comfort, understanding breaks through. Every time we choose understanding over comfort, we walk a greater distance away from troubles, for such are caused by misunderstanding.”
— Vernon Howard

“When you are deluded and full of doubt, even a thousand books of scripture are not enough. When you have realized understanding, even one word is too much.”
— Fen-Yang

“Once I began a book, I couldn’t put it down. It was like an addiction; I read while I ate, on the train, in bed until late at night, in school, where I’d keep the book hidden so I could read during class. But I had almost no desire to talk with anyone about the experience I gained through books and music. I felt happy just being me and no one else.”
— Haruki Murakami 

“Don’t feel stupid if you do not like what everyone else pretends to love.”
— Patrick Mimran 

Monday, January 24

It was a mixture of hating people so much because they just didn't live up to my expectations and just being so fed up with being around the sam

"KURT COBAIN: ABOUT A SON is a profound, almost dream-like account of Cobain's own successes and failures, thoughts and experiences, allowing the audience to gain unprecedented intimacy with this legendary figure."

I always felt that I had a tendency to eventually become schizophrenic. Because I just felt so nervous all the time. I had all these nervous habits, and I almost had like a compulsive disorder of thing I would do; popping my knuckles, itching my face, and flipping my hair. I'd just traded off the habits I had. It was a mixture of like hating people so much because they just didn't live up to my expectations and just being so fed up with being around the same kind of idiot all the time. I mean, everyone was just a carbon copy of one-another that it was obvious in my face and how I reacted towards people, that I couldn't stand them you know, I had this personal vendetta against them because they were so macho and manly and stupid.
I started to be aware of this, that people were noticing that I had this hatred towards alot of people and it was this general consensus with everyone that knew me that I couldn't stand them or I was really edgy all the time. And so I just started feeling neurotic, like paranoid in a way because they knew I was going to freak out any time.
I was sought as this kid who would most likely succeed to bring an AK47 to the school and blow everyone away.
I wanted to fit in somewhere, but not with the average kid, the popular kid at school. I wanted to fit in with the geeks but the geeks were sub-geeks in Aberdeen. They weren't the kind of geeks who listened to Devo, they were just usually deformed.

Kurt Cobain

Saturday, January 22

I've seen John Lennon interviews and Kurt Cobain interviews but I've never seen a Beethoven interview

What's your idea of perfect happiness?
Just being comfortable with yourself. I think that anyone who's unhappy is probably not very comfortable with themselves. That's why most people find contentment in middle age. They don't worry anymore about image or how people see them. I have phobias, really bad anxiety problems. I have to take medication whenever I'm going to be in large groups of people. I can sing in front of 50,000 people but as soon as I'm among them I freak out. I'm really claustrophobic as well. I've been caught in six lifts in my life. One time I was in there for 3 hours by myself and it was totally dark and I was just sitting in the corner pressing the alarm button. I was freaking out and sweating. And then I heard this tapping on the roof, and it was like, Thank fuck, about fucking time!

You spend a lot of time barefoot. Why?
It's more natural, it's a good feeling. If I'm just hanging out with friends and wandering around I don't wear shoes at all but if I'm going to a club I will.

What was the last book you read?
'Everything In This Book Is A Lie But It's Exactly How Things Are'. It's pretty spiritual book about links to aliens and it's really amazing, full of great theories. And I bought a book today about government conspiracies which has a chapter on why they won't legalise cannabis. It's because the cotton industry pays them not to.

What's your favourite film?
'Leaving Las Vegas' is really moving. I like the darkness, it's a really unorthodox way of presenting the film. I like dark things to have an undercurrent of sarcasm and irony, so it's great.

What was the last dream you had?
I was running through a field and all of these people were throwing knives at each other and I was trying to escape and fell into a huge pit. All the blood from the people started flowing into the pit and I was drowning. It was fucking scary. It's possibly linked to my anxiety attacks. I think everything in the subconscious part of the brain has links to things like phobias.

If you could travel back in time where would you go?
I'd go back to Egypt, really fucking early to find out if there were aliens there. I wish there'd been a hidden camera when they built the pyramids because they're just too precise to have been built by men at that time.

Why are you a vegetarian?
I'm actually a vegan, although I love the smell of chicken. When I was 16 I because a vegetarian and six months later I did the full thing and became a vegan. It's not as hard as you'd think 'cos I have simple tastes, just fruit and vegetable and cereal. I take protein tablets to keep me healthy so I very rarely get sick. I don't drink alcohol either because of a stomach ulcer, but I'm definitely not straight-edge. I mean, I'll take certain stimulants if you know what I mean, when I'm at parties but nothing too out of control. A lot of people get drugs and drug addicts mixed up. I'm not hugely into drugs, but it's good to experiment now and again.

If you could spend one hour with either John Lennon, Kurt Cobain or Beethoven who would you choose?
Beethoven. I've seen John Lennon interviews and Kurt Cobain interviews but I've never seen a Beethoven interview.
Daniel Johns

Wednesday, January 19

Theater vs. Film

It's a big surprise to me that theatre is my first love. I didn't know that when I was young. I loved theatre, but, as technology explodes more and more, I'm learning to love it even more.

There's a beautiful Milan Kundera quote in his new book where he talks about the birth of a new art form called cinema. It was completely usurped by big business. Basically, now, it's big business. It's not cinema as art. What qualifies as an art picture is not what qualifies as literary fiction — and what a shame that is.

As people start watching "The Godfather" on an iPhone on the subway, the theatre becomes more and more relevant, and you realize that this ancient art form is going to survive all of this. It's funny, with rock music, music is cheaper and cheaper…but a live Bruce Springsteen concert is still priceless. A great work of theatre is priceless. It can't be repeated.

There's a great Meryl Streep quote I heard recently. When she was younger and really into theatre, they were saying, "Movies are immortal." Now that she's older, she realizes, "God, all the movies are dated." The only thing that's immortal is her production of The Cherry Orchard 33 years ago. The people who saw it love it and remember it. That hasn't dated, whereas even "Silkwood" is dated. Theatre lives. When I meet somebody who says to me, "I saw you in Jack's Henry IV," the first thing that comes to my mind is "What night?" They say, "Oh, Christmas," and I say, "Was my voice hurting?" "Yeah, your voice was really ragged." "I know. I was having such trouble." It hasn't aged a day. That's the beauty of theatre. You can't buy it on your iPod. You can't download it on iTunes. That makes it more special now.

i'd rather be sorry for something i've done

If you hurt me, you won't be the first or the last
In a lifetime of many mistakes
But I won't spend tomorrow regretting the past
For the chances that I didn't take

'Cause I'll never know 'til it's over
If I'm right or I'm wrong loving you
But I'd rather be sorry for something I've done
Than for something that I didn't do

When you touch me it's easy to make me believe
Tomorrow won't take you away
But I'd gamble whatever tomorrow might bring
For the love that I'm leaving today

And I'll never know 'til it's over
If I'm right or I'm wrong loving you
But I'd rather be sorry for something I've done
Than for something that I didn't do

Yes I'd rather be sorry for something I've done
Than for something that I didn't do

I've never been a fan of country music... but Kris Kristofferson is becoming my favorite songwriter. I love Jeff, Jim and Bob, but Kris Kristofferson's songs are always so simple but carry so much meaning. They tell stories without being too specific. And even though he doesn't have the greatest voice, the songs are so good it doesn't even matter.
He got a Creative Writing degree in 1958 from Pomona College, then went to Oxford to get his Master's in English Literature. A long time later Pomona gave him an honorary doctorate. And in between all that he flew helicopters in the army, became best friends with Johnny Cash, dated Janis Joplin, got married a few times, had 8 kids, was in a bunch of movies (Cisco Pike-obviously, Billy the Kid, A Star is Born...) and is still writing and performing!! And he is turning 75 this June!!! 
If you're at all interested he did a session with Daytrotter in Fall 09, and you can download the tracks for free. 

One of the songs featured is Sister Sinead, I love these lyrics: 

And maybe she’s crazy and maybe she ain’t
But so was Picasso and so were the saints
And she’s never been partial to shackles or chains
She’s too old for breaking and too young to tame

Monday, January 17

let the devil take tomorrow cause tonight i need a friend

i don't care what's right or wrong
i don't try to understand

let the devil take tomorrow
because tonight i need a friend

yesterday's dead and gone
and tomorrow is out of sight

Friday, January 14

"I'm just trying to figure out how I'm gonna live my life now that I don't have a future that I can see... or feel."

"Just because it'll never be the same again, doesn't mean it won't get better." 
– Kris Kristofferson
-Sylvia Plath

“Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.”
— Anaïs Nin
“Now if you’re sad and you’re feeling blue
Go out and buy a brand new pair of shoes”
"Maggie M’Gill" - The Doors
“And you can’t feel alone if it’s all you’ve ever known.”
— A Song About an Anglerfish, Hank Green
"The first study for a man who wants to be a poet is the knowledge of his entire self. He searches his soul, inspects it, he tests it, he learns it. As soon as he knows it, he cultivates it….But the soul has to be made monstrous. Imagine a man planting and cultivating warts on his face.” 
- Arthur Rimbaud
“I can’t stand the rain against my window bringing back sweet memories. I can’t stand the rain against my window because he’s not here for me..”
"I Can’t Stand the Rain" - Janis Joplin

Tuesday, January 11

Just the memory of laughter and the living out of lies

saturday night, my dream of 4 years came true
sunday night, the dream was over and i got my heart crushed.
monday was the first day of the semester and i was completely numb.
tuesday, someone in my family died.

It has been an overwhelming, confusing, and painful past few days.
It's the kind of time when songs you already know by heart, mean something compeletly new to you.
One song that I was introduced to about a month ago has been on repeat... I feel so pathetic, but that's what I do... I feel emotions a little too deeply and wallow in them. But hopefully it will make me wiser when I'm through it.

I also found a picture of me and my dad about 10 years ago. I think it's my favorite one of us. My aunt took it at La Fogata in San Antonio.

Thursday, January 6

the first thing you should learn

“A lot of bad stuff is gonna happen to you. People are not gonna love you back, and if you’re serious about becoming an artist, that’s the first thing you should learn. And, listen, you’re gonna die, okay? Relatively soon, okay? So, that being said, you have nothing to worry about.”

The Hottest State

" It was just the Jeff I knew, who liked to jam, liked to fool around. "

"Jeff picked it up and started playing it like he was born playing it. I'd never met anyone so naturally gifted musically in my life. He was just sitting there strumming mandolin and making jokes about aliens, 'Oh, the aliens are coming' in this kind of hillbilly voice, so I went to the other room right next to the studio and started typing up some lyrics. I printed out a couple of sheets of lyrics and handed them out to Fred and Jeff. Jeff looked at them [and said], 'Hey, this is pretty cool' and they started working together on the melody, the chorus, and the bridge and I kept writing more lyrics. Within four hours, we had the song written, scored, recorded and it was just a complete natural session I'll never forget."
- Fred Reed

Saturday, January 1

it's only you you're using to create that illusion

Although formed in Davis, California, Kak were based in San Francisco for a good part of 1968, when they recorded their only album. Lead singer, guitarist, and primary songwriter Gary Lee Yoder and lead guitarist Dehner Patten had been in the Oxford Circle, an obscure early Northern Californian psychedelic band that had cut one garage/psych single ("Foolish Woman"/"Mind Destruction") and played some shows on the San Francisco psychedelic circuit, while bassist Joe-Dave Damrell had been on a 1965 single on Scorpio Records with Group "B".

The self-titled Kak LP was minor-league San Francisco psychedelic rock colored by a lot of influence from bigger Bay Area bands, particularly Moby Grape; the vocal harmonies and curling guitar work on tracks like 'Disbelievin'" and "Everything's Changing" in particular sounded like a more pedestrian Moby Grape. There were also more distant echoes of Quicksilver Messenger Service (in the guitar work) and the Grateful Dead (in faint traces of country-blues-rock). Kak were best, and least derivative, at their quietest, as on the gentle country-tinged rocker "I've Got Time, " the good-time wistful psych-folk-rock of "Lemonade Kid, " and the harpsichord-decorated ballad "Flowing By, " which was as derivative of Donovan as much of their other songs were of Moby Grape.

Kak's album was barely promoted and sold little. It didn't help that the band played less than a dozen shows before breaking up in early 1969, Damrell having already quit prior to the split. Yoder did a single for Epic and and then joined Blue Cheer. The Kak album eventually became a pricey collector item, and was reissued on CD by Big Beat (with the new title Kak-ola) in 1999 with plenty of bonus cuts, including previously unreleased acoustic demos and Yoder solo tracks from the late sixties. - Richie Unterberger


this is my new favorite band!!! one of there songs came on to my Doors station on Pandora. i couldn't find the lyrics online so i tried to figure them out.

a voice cried out and it said to me,
you better start walking boy
so i jumped upon my feet and i cried
and i faced my maker that day and it cant be denied
i said he father don't you think that maybe you lied
i've only got one thing to do and that's to die
you can't be denied.
i said i don't have to learn how to walk
i said i don't have to learn how to talk
all i've got to do is.... die
you can't be denied

you don't have to play by societies rules
you don't have to go out and mix with the fools
all you've got to do is die
you can't be denied

your mirror she past like a shadow
watching each life of mine flash into nothing
and i wonder which direction she would go
can't you see what you're heading for?
turn around walk away
run back for more
life is free
but you got to take a look around.
From a desert she cries for an ocean
watching her saviour there rise in the moonlight
and she thirsts for the affection he would show
got to come down,
off that dream
things aren't always what they seem
it's only you you're using to create that illusion

theres a story without any ending
theres a friend of mine that needs mending
i don't need her, no i don't.

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